Hello – we are in week 5 of the Online Bible Study – “What Happens When Women Say Yes to God” by Lysa Terkeurst, presented by Proverbs 31 Ministries. Our theme this week is #FreshVision where we learned that we must dream with God so that we might have a Clear Vision and understanding of His vision for our lives.
Our memory verse this week is “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” – James 4:7.
I am excited this week because I had an experience where I believe I heard God speak to me. I was sitting on the sofa watching a program on TV. My mind drifted for a moment back to the work I had just been doing on this Bible Study. I had a clear vision that my immediate goals were to go back and study my week one post. That post was about Loving the Lord with all of our heart, soul and might – Deuteronomy 6:5. A question popped into my mind – Do I even know what love is? Do I love myself? I had these word reverberating in my mind – you cannot love others until you learn to love yourself.
I remembered stopping and saying to myself – where did that thought come from. Then I relived a moment back in my youth where I passed this group of kids that I did not know. These kids were chanting – Clarence, Clarence and looking at me. I was maybe seven. I wondered what does Clarence have to do with me? Then later a friend told me that they were calling me Clarence the cross-eyed lion. I can still feel the pain that I felt then. It seems that all my life, that experience has stuck with me and I have been carrying the pain I felt. I have been seeing myself through the eyes of those children. I allowed that moment to define me. I still feel like I am that lion. It comes to mind that when I walk down the street today, I don’t look people in the eye, I look down. I don’t want strangers to have that first impression of me just based on my eyes. I don’t want them to see my eyes. But if they don’t look me in the eyes, do they see me at all?
I believe that I have allowed this feeling/moment to flavor my relationships with everyone I meet. There are times when I look across the way at someone for the first time or speak in a group setting. I look at the person and I see them looking behind themselves as if wondering “who is she looking at – is she looking at me?”. I am always shouting in my head “Why are you doing that – I am looking at you…”. Just another reminder that people (even adults) still see me in that way, which keeps that hurt little child in me wary and defensive.
So, that feeling that overwhelmed me while I was watching TV said -“You need to get over it. You had no control over your eyes at birth nor can you change them at this late date. Baby, you were born that way! What you need to do is realize that you must love yourself before you can love others. Please start with yourself today – work on you and then you will be able to love others as you should.”
Now, I have a fresh vision with a fresh start, with fresh passion and a fresh focus.